From Paper to Screen

Hi Readers,

Here are the two comments from the Academy Nicholl Fellowships in Screenwriting about my screenplay The Sylph's Tale or Ayekah the Damned. Decided to publish them because I find them valuable and sincerely appreciate them.

Will keep them in mind during my revisions of The Sylph's Tale. Also will use them as I write a Hero's Journey for Ayekah and Haya's  Heroine's Journey; both to be in a bibliography at the end of the republication. In addition all comments I receive will be hlepfull for final edits on book two Virigns and three ROLO.

Would love input from all who grace me by taking the time to comment.

Thank you.



NOTE: The following are Nicholl READER COMMENTS The views and opinions expressed in the reader comments are those of the readers and do not reflect any policy or position of the Academy. "
Screenplay Title: The Sylph's Tale or Ayekah the Damned
Round 1 - Read 1 Comments:
"Broken into a series of short scenes, this script would have benefited from a stronger structure. What unfolds here is literally a series of sequences that move through time and some of the transitions are very abrupt.
For example, in a few pages, this captures the time right beyond Noah’s Ark and skips ahead to the time of Jesus, implying that the angel was around for both of these historical events, but unfortunately both of these occurrences are only superficially depicted.
Instead of being a real part of any dramatic action, it’s all a commentary, which made the reader feel slightly removed from the action. This prevents any genuine dramatic momentum from developing.
This has only one prominent character, an angel, and while his inner conflicts are well depicted, everything we know about this angel comes from his voice-overs. For almost the entire story, this moves forward through the use of voice-overs which help explain the angel’s mental disposition at all times and constantly summarize his thoughts and desires.
The angel’s longing to feel human emotions, especially the sensation of sex, felt like a metaphor for the Original Sin. This does effectively capture the anguish that this angel feels at having disappointed God and he’s the personification of the old adage: Be careful what you wish for.
Round 1 - Read 2 Comments:
"This has imagination and touches on the mythic and spiritual in ways that are not typical. But the execution of the story and the story telling needed to be better.
The story has element of setting out the world of Ayekah, his goal with regard to life and Haya, the issue of children, Haya's death, and the aftermath with some rising action. While those elements form a basis, they are presented in a way that creates a definite mood and atmosphere, but not in a way that created enough of a compelling story with a good dramatic drive/stronger conflict for the lead characters.
The craft is part of that. The descriptions too often are quite general and needed to be more specific images that are more cinematic, with the excess tailored off so that it has drama and tension. The dialogue as well needed trimming to make its points more tightly to maintain drama and conflict as well. The voice has some distinctiveness but it too could be more focused, and take a more unique angle on angels and their desire for humans.
Ayekah evolves as the script progresses from the celestial to the sylph that seeks carnal and other knowledge of humans, including helping with their work and lives around 48 and 60 for example. Haya provides impetus for that evolution as well. And the few other characters do contribute to moving matters along. But the emotional connection didn't quite come across as much as it needs to, perhaps needing to be more grounded and accessible.
The theme and meaning about the physical and spiritual worlds is a significant one. But here it needs to be brought out with more focused prose that tells a more compelling story/journey for Ayekah."
 2017 Quar/Semi/Finalist: Title of the submitted screenplay: The Sylph's Tale or Ayekah the Damneed. Academy Nicholl Fellowships in Screenwriting 310-247-3010 - nicholl@oscars.org

The Sylph's Tale or Ayekah the Damned
Creator: Marta C. Weeks
Genre: Science Fiction and Fantasy
Age rating: 17 and older

In pre-historical times, a young girl escapes from a barbarian ritual, only to encounter an angel who rescues her. This mystical being falls in love with her and, together, they modify the culture and habits of her rudimentary society.


Script 1 - Marta's Original Draft

03/14/18



Write a review

Creative Notes: A story of love, discovery, and magic. The Sylph came to me in a dream but took me a long time to write. I read and researched history, anthropology, mythology, and science to substantiate what I imagined not just for The Sylph's Tale but Immortals - the Series.

Editors and agents, please request a PDF from my author facebook page: Marta C Weeks
https://www.facebook.com/martacweeks/
Post a Comment